Why do you want a child so badly?

Why do you want a child so badly?

Why do you put yourself through it?

Why is the desire for to have a child so strong? Whenever someone asks me if the treatments are worth it? Why don’t I just adopt? Why do you need a child to feel complete? I can’t even begin to comprehend what they are asking. I have never been asked that question by someone who went through or is going through infertility. It is always asked by someone who has children, sometimes even more than they can handle. I can’t begin to explain to someone who has never experienced infertility why the desire for a child is so strong. What I would love to say to these people is the following:

Look at your child/children now imagine what your life had they never been born. Imagine if you had been pregnant with each one of them and lost them before you got to meet them. Imagine that you never got to hear their heartbeat on a sonogram, never got the positive that told you that you were pregnant. Imagine that you never got to hear your child say their first word, see them crawl, grow up, get married and have babies of their own. Imagine what life would be like without your precious, precious child.

Instead of having children imagine that your life consists of the following. Imagine that you woke up every morning or every other morning between 5-6 and shlepped an hour plus to go to a doctor for blood work and a transvaginal ultrasound. Imagine that instead of being up at night with a crying infant, you are up at night with side effects from medications, hot flashes, nausea, vomiting, migraines, and stomach issues galore. Imagine that instead of being tired from chasing after a toddler you are tired from running to the doctor then to work, and being the only one at work who isn’t pregnant of with an infant at home so you are expected to pick up the slack for everyone else. Imagine you have just found out you lost another pregnancy while standing next to a woman who is expecting her third who got married several years after you. Imagine that every time you walk into a family *simcha every single persons eye goes straight to your stomach. Imagine that everyone thinks that because you have no children you are financial secure, when in fact you have just spent thousands of dollars on a failed treatment. Imagine that your grandmother, aunt, cousins, friends and so on feel like it is there place to offer you advice on how to get pregnant, even worse when it is a man offering the advice. Imagine that the same week you have found out that you lost another pregnancy, or another treatment has failed your sister/sister-in-law tells you she’s expecting again even though she is fully in the loop of what you have been through that week.

Imagine that when you close your eyes at night, the last thing you see is the faces of your children who will never be born.

Now imagine how the only thing that keeps you going, that prevents you from falling into a downward spiral of pain, the only thing that keeps you from feeling that your life is actually a punishment for something you cannot begin to comprehend is hope. The hope that one day you will also have a child, one day you will feel complete.

 Imagine the above and tell me, how can you ask how on earth do you have the *chutzpah to ask a woman going through infertility is it worth it?

 

This post was not written from a religious perspective at all, that might come later.  While my emotions are obviously influenced by the fact that I am an Orthodox Jew, this post only addresses my personal feelings.  

 

* Simcha – a Jewish private party or celebration.

*Chutzpah – shameless audacity; impudence